Author Archives: CaptainSoggy

I heard the chime on my phone from the other room. I launched from my recliner, toppling the bag of Funyuns, sending them all over my weighted blanket. I didn’t even pause Bob’s Burgers. 798523 is your one-time verification code from Consolidated Credit Union. We will not call and ask for this, and DO NOTContinue reading “I Have More Texts From Bank Verification Codes Than I Do Friends And Family”

Topeka, KS – Jumping Spider, “Tippy,” as he’s known to his friends, has seven functional legs, but will still bury his fangs in your armpit, earlobe, or neck, according to him. “Despite his mobility limitations, ol’ Tippy gets around really well,” says local grasshopper Milton. “I once saw him blast off a leaf like heContinue reading “Jumping Spider With Broken Leg Will Still Bite The Shit Out Of You”

A friend from high school asked me several years ago if I was ever going to invest in Bitcoin. I honestly thought he meant to say, “bits of coin,” but it all ran together because he’s a mush mouth. When I heard the term again on the radio, I immediately had a panic attack becauseContinue reading “I Have A Lot Of Fears These Days, But Most Revolve Around Everyone In A Room Knowing What Bitcoin and NFT’s Are While I’m Fucking Clueless”

Assess the current caseload of Covid in the US, and if Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, or Virginia numbers have trended downward, immediately assemble the Cabal of the Variants team. Fly Dr. Fauci on a private jet from his illuminati retreat in Iceland to the summer camp that Bernie Sanders owns. Provide a lavish spread,Continue reading “Guidelines For Releasing And Naming Covid Variants For Political Gain”

New York, New York – In a stunning interview in lower Manhattan Friday, a wealthy Investment Banker, who agreed only to speak anonymously, said that approximately seventeen people people really know how the Stock Market works, and only small amount more even know what it is. “When I turned thirteen y father bought me aContinue reading “Only 17 People On Earth Know How Stock Market Works”

Last Thanksgiving was Armageddon, as expected. The fourteen of us, not including the rotten kids, sat at mom’s two mahogany tables, two seats apart, nervously chewing Aunt June’s garlic string beans, waiting to see who’d speak first. It was Uncle Morty.  “You’ve really outdone yourself, Gloria. Beautiful spread and everything tastes delicious.” A hushed, collectiveContinue reading “We Can Make It Through Thanksgiving Dinner This Year If Someone Can Turn Down Grandpas Hearing Aids”

I have seventy-four masks at my house. Most of these were given to me by relatives and co-workers, although some were late-night impulse purchases while drinking homemade moonshine. I’ll admit, in the beginning, because of the 5G towers near my house and the introduction of liberal nanobots implanted in my brain, I became somewhat maskContinue reading “I Have Masks”