New York, New York – In a stunning interview in lower Manhattan Friday, a wealthy Investment Banker, who agreed only to speak anonymously, said that approximately seventeen people people really know how the Stock Market works, and only small amount more even know what it is.
“When I turned thirteen y father bought me a new Bentley, and before he’d let me take it to the Yacht Club to pick up my girlfriend Mindy Sue, he insisted I listen to him about something very important,” the anonymous banker stated. He leaned over and whispered in my ear for about five minutes and the things he told me were wild. Shocking and amazing. It almost sounded like people were going to just buy things that didn’t really exist and some computer was going to make up some numbers and then a few people were going to get rich.”
It’s widely known that very few people ever make money in the Stock Market, and for stock purchases in companies other than Apple, Amazon, Wal-Mart, Google or KY Lubricants, money spent on stocks is just funneled into offshore accounts for a select group of Billionaires.
“Of course, I asked my father if the people buying these “shares” he called them would also be rich, and he just spit out his Tom Collins and and mussed up my hair, laughing wildly. He said less than twenty people actually knew how all this stuff worked, and that if I knew what was good for me and didn’t want a wallop, I’d keep my trap shut. He explained that, when I got older I would be contacted by ‘certain people’ and they’d explain the process and then I might share in the same success my dad had known his whole life. Maybe,” the banker added.
We attempted to speak to a number of men and women in suits emerging from the NYSE and most wouldn’t talk to us. However, Barry Doobin, an employee of an Investment Bank he refused to name, pulled us aside and had this to say: “Listen, no one really knows what goes on inside the Stock Exchanges. Most of us think it has something to do with angry white guys screaming and scribbling on paper while their acid reflux acts up, and that it may or may not involve human trafficking, but the fact is that the world financial systems would crumble if these indexes didn’t exist, from what “they” tell me. Plus Warren Buffet just put salad bars in at the NASDAQ and the croutons are out of this world fucking good.”
“The Stock Market? It’s, like, old guys buying crops and gold and shit, right?” asked Gordon Wemp, a passerby on Wall Street. “I have this 401k thing at Trader Joes and I know that K stands for potassium so, I think I’m like, buying minerals and stuff. Right on.”
“Nobody knows what the hell the market is, man. Leave it alone,” says Audrey Gilp, who was simultaneously casting on Twitch as we spoke outside a major Investment Bank. You’re asking all the wrong questions, anyway. I mean, the real question is, ‘Why do we have to pay for anything?’ I paid $519 last year in Federal income tax and I still had to buy this $1200 iPhone out of my own money. That’s, like, communism and stuff.”
We will be monitoring this story closely as it develops. For legal disclosure reasons, as of press time, SoggyBlanket.com shares were trading at $.00000000000013 cents a share.
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