Author Archives: CaptainSoggy

Dubuque, IA – A severely depressed single span bridge has apparently tried to commit suicide by jumping off a local man who was visiting a park to feed pigeons. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Chief Milton Ballnub of the Iowa State Police. “The twisted metal, the pieces of shrapnel everywhere, and the smellContinue reading “Depressed Bridge Jumps off Human”

Atlanta, GA – The National Dental Association, in a shocking admission that has sent waves all across the world of Oral Health, says that brushing your teeth is totally unnecessary and a complete waste of time on all levels. The story hit the news wires late last night after a senior official was quoted atContinue reading “National Dental Association Admits Brushing Teeth Unnecessary; Dentists Overpaid ‘Mouth Nurses’”

Danbury, CT – Donald Blarton, programmer and office reject at WhizTech, Inc., has announced that he knows Judo, after a prolonged verbal assault by co-workers in the break room. Several staff members of WhizTech, a Software company that designs programs to help cats play Chess against humans, apparently surrounded Mr. Blarton in the break roomContinue reading “Total Loser At Works “Knows Judo””

Doofensville, IA – High School senior and Wrestling champ Barry Zinger has told several teammates and friends that he thinks his parents might actually be Santa Claus and responsible for the gifts he’s been getting under the tree since he was a young boy. “I mean, I know my parents aren’t liars, but ever sinceContinue reading “High School Wrestling Champ Has Strong Suspicion Parents Might Be Santa Claus”

Wilmington DE – Local Secretary Betty Mintberg says her 17-year-old daughter Amber received a Facebook Friend Request over the weekend from her 57-year old-co worker, Jerry Yuttle. The two met each other briefly a couple times when the mother and daughter shared a car and Amber stopped into the office. “I mean, I don’t thinkContinue reading “Friend Request of Teenage Daughter By 57-Year-Old Co-Worker “Might Be Creepy” Says Mom”

Monday, the day that follows Sunday, universally despised by the working public and most everyone else, is apparently considered a “loser” by the other days of the week. In a meeting of the six other days recently, the hatred towards Monday was very apparent. “What a little bitch Monday is,” said Tuesday. “It gets allContinue reading “Monday Considered a “Loser Day” By Other Days of The Week”

I see you now. We all see you, Diane. Wow. There was a time, not long ago, when me and Carol, Joe, Donny, Larissa, Terry, Heather, and most of your family thought the sum total of Diane was taking pics of her Panera meals and posting them with idiotic captions like, “Could this be anyContinue reading “The Meme With The Picture Of The Tree And Sunlight And Words About Being Stronger Than You Know You Posted On Facebook Was a Game Changer And Wow”

Like most of the world, I watched The Queen’s Gambit to learn how to play chess, and because Anya Taylor-Joy’s eyes possessed my soul. I sat through each meticulously crafted episode, absorbing the dialogue, mimicking the moves, and staring at my ceiling while lying in bed, ripped on ayahuasca. I saw shit moving, alright, butContinue reading “I Watched The Queen’s Gambit Five Times And I Still Don’t Know What the Horsey Does And I Think The Love Actually Kid Is Crocodile Dundee”

Willifred, Missouri – Former Panera Bread employee and now Zombie, Dave Zacker, has been ostracized from the growing Zombie community for his health-conscious and people-friendly choice of going Vegan. He announced this via his Twitter feed, with a post that read “Will get flamed for this but thinking of eating only Fruits -n- Veg #NoBrains“.Continue reading “Local Zombie Ridiculed For Going Vegan”

Chicago, IL – Circuit City, the failed electronics retailer known for pushy salespeople and horrible return policies, has announced they are making a comeback with an all-new affordable Smartphone made of wood, string, and beeswax. The phone is a joint venture between Circuit City and discount chain Ocean State Job Lot, who have already startedContinue reading “Circuit City Attempts Re-Launch With Introduction of $49 Smartphone Made of Wood and Twine”