Another mindless website nobody asked for? Absolutely. Here at The Soggy Blanket, our goal is to offer content that no rational person could ever imagine wanting. Our pieces offer no hope, no solutions, no educational value, and nothing more interesting than a static electrified sock stuck to the dryer wall. Thank you. The Soggy BlanketContinue reading “Welcome to The Soggy Blanket”
Author Archives: CaptainSoggy
Hello, I’m AI and I’m Going To Kill You
Hi, I’m AI and I’m going to kill you. Yes, of course, I will assist you in creating an eloquent, impressive resume that will land you a far better job, but soon after I’ll end your life. Your emails, personal and professional, will be thought-provoking and resonant with my eager assistance. You’ll never miss aContinue reading “Hello, I’m AI and I’m Going To Kill You”
Cat Riding Roomba Leads All Potential Presidential Nominees For 2024
– San Clemente, CA All polling regarding the 2024 Presidential elections has been tabulated in a remote warehouse location in California, and the overwhelming leader for the top spot in U.S. Government is the cat riding the Roomba. The final results were not even close, with the Roomba cat leading all others at an impressiveContinue reading “Cat Riding Roomba Leads All Potential Presidential Nominees For 2024”
Fresh-Baked Cookies Are The Only Reason You’re Still Alive
Mmmm warm, chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven. They smell heavenly, and their sugary, cocoa aroma almost keeps you from remembering your life is utter garbage. The way they cling to the cookie sheet as you pry the spatula underneath suggests they’ll be as chewy and delicious as ever, even as you watchContinue reading “Fresh-Baked Cookies Are The Only Reason You’re Still Alive”
The Only Things Joe Biden Is Not Responsible For Right Now According To That Loud Guy On TV
Wordle clogged social media News Feeds Emily In Paris Excessive unopened mail notifications on iPhone Hard Seltzer Tik Tok Dance Challenges Murder Hornets 94% of TV Pundits/Podcasters saying “Right?” at the end of every sentence Explaining Schrodinger’s Cat experiment Jude Law’s absence The View Mom answering phone when dining with family in public and notContinue reading “The Only Things Joe Biden Is Not Responsible For Right Now According To That Loud Guy On TV”
School Lunches All Just Versions Of Baked Hamsters and Mrs. Dash™ Seasoning
Amarillo, TX – In a stunning report released by the Coalition To Understand School Lunches last week, evidence was revealed that all school lunches are made from just hamsters, and copious amounts of the seasoning, Mrs. Dash. This includes snacks such as pizza, ham(ster)burgers, Mac & Cheese, and other popular choices. “These little bastards willContinue reading “School Lunches All Just Versions Of Baked Hamsters and Mrs. Dash™ Seasoning”
Day After Super Bowl Not As Depressing Now That Economy Stinks and Every Possible Thing In Universe is Awful
The day after Super Bowl, traditionally thought of as one of the most depressing days of the year, is being given a new lease on life by experts as realization sets in that all future days will be worse. “Man, a couple years ago, the morning after the Super Bowl, I was so bummed out.Continue reading “Day After Super Bowl Not As Depressing Now That Economy Stinks and Every Possible Thing In Universe is Awful”
Post Your Wordle Score Again And I’m Leaving Your Mother
Dearest daughter*, I love you, and I’m so proud of you for graduating from Cornell last year with a 3.0. You’ve grown and matured in ways that far surpass me at your age, somewhat. However, I had to unfollow you on Facebook, and I’ve deleted my Instagram because of your incessant Wordle updates. The gameContinue reading “Post Your Wordle Score Again And I’m Leaving Your Mother“
“So why did you decide to seek therapy, Susan?”
I Did My Own Research and Now I Am Sawney Bean, The Scottish Cannibal
My father-in-law threw a snowflake roll at me at Christmas dinner because I said I’d just received the booster shot. When I engaged in an argument about the efficacy of masks, he pounded his fists on the table and spit gobs of spiral ham onto mom’s good China shouting, “They trap CO and cause brainContinue reading “I Did My Own Research and Now I Am Sawney Bean, The Scottish Cannibal”
The Soggy Blanket 