– San Clemente, CA
All polling regarding the 2024 Presidential elections has been tabulated in a remote warehouse location in California, and the overwhelming leader for the top spot in U.S. Government is the cat riding the Roomba. The final results were not even close, with the Roomba cat leading all others at an impressive 87.3%.
“We’ve long known that Roomba cat was an early favorite, but we had no idea it might break the coveted 75% threshold for non-human, internet-sourced candidates,” Bobby Dinglemeyer told us on a Skype interview from his Mobile home in Huntington Beach. “We’ve informed the council on Presidential elections, and eagerly await their announcement that Roomba cat will be on the ballot.”
The ultra-secret tabulations of cumulative polling for Presidential elections have been a closely watched event for years, drawing everyone from Elvis Presley in the 60’s, to Charo in the 70’s, and this year Kari Lake and Mike Lindell had a Kiosk outside the location, selling “Stop the Steal” T-Shirts and deep fried turkey legs. “We used to use a commercial deep fryer to get these things out fast, but since I started suing all machines, I couldn’t be a hypocrite and allow that thing in here,” Lindell told us. “Now we hand fry all of them, and we require a photo ID to buy one.”
Discussion about the 2024 election has centered around a repeat battle of incumbent Joe Biden and failed former President, Donald J. Trump., but many people we spoke with are just tired of the same two names being their only choices. “It’s getting ridiculous!” Barney Wart yelled as we passed with our camera crew. “I mean, how long is the Deep State going to tell us who our leaders are? At some point, once the chemtrails have worn off and we can actually speak our minds, we are going to need to take this country back. Put a real candidate in there.” When asked if Roomba cat was his first choice, he said, “F**k yeah!” before taking a hit off his FJB emblazoned vape pen.
“It’s not illegal, no,” a federal elections official told us when asked if a cat riding a robotic vacuum can actually run for the highest office in the land. “If Roomba cat was born here, in America, and can fill out the paperwork, then he’s good to go. For me, personally, I’d like to see what he plans to do about all this fentanyl coming over the border illegally, and what his thoughts are on so many businesses going woke, but it should be an interesting debate season as we get into next year.” When asked what a feline might be able to do in order to combat these perceived problems, the election official explained he’d need to “check the OAN website” and get back to us.
It’s not totally without precedent, having an internet sensation, or even a feline, be a popular Presidential choice, as both the 2000 and 2008 elections revealed. In 2000, before it came down to Bush v. Gore, “Toonces” the car-driving cat was a close second, and in 2008 the most popular write-in candidate was “FreeCreditReport.com,” the popular website for checking one’s credit score and profile.
“It would just really be nice to see someone stand up for the little guy. The mom-and-pop businesses, Joe Taxpayer, guys like me who’ve been railroaded by the system and the focus of a neverending witch hunt,” failed former President Donald J. Trump told us from his place in Mar-A-Lago. “Biden’s been a disaster, and this Kennedy guy thinks birds aren’t real,” The Donald told us. “And DeSantis? His own state is turning on him now. Such a shame, as I gave him everything he had but he covfefeed it by trying to run against me. Such a shame.” When we explained that Roomba cat was his competition as well, and beating him by a massive margin in early polling, he told us we were being very rude and that nobody liked us, and that it’s a fact that we’re failing, and “everyone knows it.”
Full results from the polling totals were as follows:
Roomba Cat —–87.3%
Pumpkin Spiced Latte —–9.7%
Bernie Sanders—–1.4%
Funfetti cake—–.6%
Joe Biden—–.07%
Donald J. Trump—–.03%
The Soggy Blanket 