The day after Super Bowl, traditionally thought of as one of the most depressing days of the year, is being given a new lease on life by experts as realization sets in that all future days will be worse.
“Man, a couple years ago, the morning after the Super Bowl, I was so bummed out. Pukin’ since 2am, unemployed, my wife had gotten with my brother. Again. Just seemed like everything sucked. But now, because all them Libtards ruined the country with their stolen elections and communism, seems like that was a pretty good day in comparison,” Warren Zunk told us outside a Waffle House, wearing a Let’s Go Brandon hat, gnawing on some Skoal.
“The economy, from an academic standpoint, is totally in the shitter. The only thing trickling down is inflation, pain, and suffering for all, unless you’re in the Top 1%, where you’ll see 40000% gains, reduced taxation, and a much longer, happier life,” Terrance Grimp from The Economic Press reported late last week. “On a positive note, your home and some of your vehicles may be worth more, but you won’t be able to afford heating oil, gasoline, repairs, food, or insurance, and with the impending civil war coming, most of those items may need to be converted to battle shelters and firewood anyway.”
In years past, the day after Super Bowl saw a spike in depression episodes, days missed at work, and illness, but now, experts claim, that day will just blend in as part of an overall year of absolute misery. “In the 365-day year, according to our research, there will only be one, maybe two days where anything resembling joy may be felt. Those numbers have the potential to increase, but would involve ingesting massive amounts of alcohol, so the trade-off would be, naturally, that those extra good days would eventually be diminished by a pulverized liver and inability to walk upright,” says Psychologist Marianne Schupper. “Your birthday has the potential to remain the happiest day, but may also trigger severe anxiety reminding you that you were born into this hellscape we exist in.”
“I’m not worried about it,” says Bass Fisherman and amateur wrestler, Darryl Crumpf. “I never watched that stupid game anyway. Bunch of rich dudes, probably illegals, kneeling on our flag and shit. I love when it’s all over. Fishing season starts soon, and my probation ends this winter. If things go well, I might be riding up north for the civil war with a couple cousins, as long as I don’t get the gout again.”
In a recent survey of Americans, asking “What are you most looking forward to after the Super Bowl this year?” the Top 5 answers were: 5. Wordle 4. Early retirement 3. Slow, painless death 2. Asteroid collision with earth 1. Drinking
“I think the results speak to our collective fears about what’s coming next. There’s a lot of uncertainty with the tribalism and cultish behavior of so many Americans,” Dr. Lawrence Nuggums, Professor of Mind Studies at Skankums Community College suggests. “A horrible economy, isolation, escalating tension within family and friend groups, and the continued new episodes of The Masked Singer have all combined to create a perfect storm of stress and anxiety. On a positive note, my 401k, comprised of primarily pharmaceutical stocks, will be off the hook in 2022 and beyond.”
Although consumption of alcohol has increased dramatically in the last couple of years, for the .0023% of Americans who don’t drink or use drugs, what might be other coping methods folks can employ to relax and calm their worries, we asked licensed therapist Wilma Gherkin. “Well, boxed wine and Xanax has always worked for me, but if you’re not one to self-medicate, some wonderful options still do exist. First, throw your phone, TV, and computer into the river. Second, and this is crucial, don’t ever leave your house or talk to anyone. Get a dog or a few more cats than you probably already have. Take walks from your living room to your bedroom and then take long naps while you cry face down into your pillow. Shout into the basement while you stomp your feet. Eat cake in the bathtub and imagine the looters that eventually come after the civil war being bohemian, helpful types and not cruel, awful scum that steal everything and roll you into your compost heap out back, naked and alone.”
Several proposals have been rolled out suggesting the day after Super Bowl should be made into a national holiday, but all have been tabled until the percentage of domestic and international wars occurring drops below 98.5%. This article was made possible by donations from the fine people at the California Wine Board, The Consortium For Drinking Booze, The Cannabis Collective, and your mom.
– Captain Soggy
The Soggy Blanket 