Dearest daughter*, I love you, and I’m so proud of you for graduating from Cornell last year with a 3.0. You’ve grown and matured in ways that far surpass me at your age, somewhat. However, I had to unfollow you on Facebook, and I’ve deleted my Instagram because of your incessant Wordle updates.
The game is only once a day, where the hell are you getting all these other words? “Sweardle” now, too? Come on, Amber. The average likes on your Wordle posts are two, maybe three at best, while anytime you post a selfie it gets forty plus. Can we go back to those, sweetheart? I’ll even live with the cutoff shorts and twerpin or whatever that is.
I know your mom showed you this game, and she’s been trying to bond more of late after she showed her boob to your boyfriend at Christmas, but enough is enough. I need you to stop because co-workers are noticing and texting me. Why are you Facebook friends with them anyway? Carl was in prison for soliciting a prostitute and lives with his aunt in a trailer behind Dollar Tree. Everyone is tired, Amber.
I’ve tried reaching out to your mom to see if she can intervene, but she’s at that work retreat with her boss and hasn’t returned my texts, emails, or calls. I’m serious though, Amber. If this doesn’t stop, I’m going to have to leave your mother. For good this time.
Oh wow, so you got four green squares on your first try, big deal. Nobody cares. Did you ever think maybe they are changing the word to what you guess sometimes just to make you feel good? Remember that time I let mom have that friend over who was going through a divorce, and he had night terrors, so I let him sleep in our room with her? I did that for him just to make him feel good, even though my sciatica acts up when I’m on the sofa. Easy Wordle guesses are your mom’s overnight friend with night terror’s, Amber. Simple as that.
I tolerated the “what color is this dress” posts, and the “Brainstorm/Green Needle” debacle, but this has gone too far. You’ve got such potential as a nail color reveal vlogger, but you’ve even let those videos slide lately. Have you even called your grandmother at all? Just because she called you a hussy one time doesn’t mean she’s not tickled to hear your voice. But please don’t show her this game because she has unlimited texting now.
I’d like to remain a part of this family, Amber. Wordle is just a game, and it’s not even challenging or fun like cribbage or Yahtzee! Lay off the updates, take a break, and let me enjoy several good years more with your mom and you before anything dramatic could, not saying it will, but could happen.
I love you, and even though Wordle is destroying this family like virtual Ebola, I’m still very proud that you guessed “Moist” in one try.
Love,
Stepdad Ron
The Soggy Blanket 