Atlanta, GA – The National Dental Association, in a shocking admission that has sent waves all across the world of Oral Health, says that brushing your teeth is totally unnecessary and a complete waste of time on all levels. The story hit the news wires late last night after a senior official was quoted at the National Dental Conference and Swap Meet in downtown Atlanta. The official quote was, “Brushing, flossing, using mouthwash, or anything of that nature, may feel good but it doesn’t do a damn thing.
“There was no clinical research, no testing, no studies, no control groups, and no evidence whatsoever that the human mouth needed the invasive faux-science known as Dentistry. Obviously, the NDA has been a party to this scam for far too long and has to finally admit that the average Dentist is nothing more than an overpaid mouth nurse. We are sorry for any confusion, and you may stop brushing now.”
Reaction to the stunning admission was harsh and immediate. “Are you serious with this s**t? I have been a practicing dentist for fourteen years and what I do is vital and difficult work. To think that the NDA, a group that supposedly has our back could admit such a thing is sickening. Of course, anyone with half a brain knows that a quick rinse of your mouth with some water is all anyone needs to have good oral hygiene, but how am I going to pay for my Porsche Cayenne GTS if people stop coming?” asked local Dentist Marty Noobler. “I have six months’ worth of free toothbrushes and mini floss dispensers. What the f**k am I supposed to do with them now?”
Our crack Soggy Staff was able to obtain confidential documents from a source at the conference that contained private emails between Colgate, Crest, Aqua Fresh, AIM, and Sensodyne laughing about the millions of dollars they were making off the unsuspecting public and apparently asking one another who’s turn it was to pay for the “Blue-Green Food coloring, local dirt, and expired Sour Cream” that all toothpaste is apparently made of. The Oral Care giants admitted they use one supplier in Georgia that has been making massive vats of what we know as “toothpaste” since the early 1900’s.
“Listen, I don’t care what the NDA, reporters, or any crockpot out there has to say because Dentists aren’t going away. We provide a vital service and are a big part of overall health and well-being for the average person, more so than they may even know. I can’t tell you how many times, while a patient is under Nitrous Oxide, I have provided free breast exams or cervical cancer screening and I’ve actually become quite adept at performing colonoscopies during lulls in minor oral surgeries. I don’t even charge extra for these services so, yeah…that’s how I roll.”
Numerous attempts were made to reach the NDA directly but we had no luck making contact. We also were faxed a “Cease and Desist Letter” from the top Toothpaste companies after repeatedly trying to question them about the documents we possessed. Bobby Colgate actually personally assaulted our staff assistant, Wendy Snodblatz, while at the conference, repeatedly hitting her with a Tote bag from the Mentadent folks who had a booth set up at the event. Tensions remained high throughout the day, and numerous conference attendees assured us they would fight the “war on Dentists” with everything they have as soon they all return from next week’s conference – Mouth Care Madness-an all-expense-paid extravaganza for Dentists and Oral Surgeons in Costa Rica featuring performances by The Judds, Cardi B, Michael Bolton, and Slayer, and sponsored by Trident gum.
“I haven’t brushed my teeth in years, are you kidding me? I’m going to put a stick with prickly shit covered in gritty goop all over it in my mouth, really? The idea that it does anything to help us have cleaner mouths is preposterous, anyway. Lawyers and politicians make money lying to people so why can’t I, especially if it makes people feel good? I sleep fine at night, thank you very much. Except for my Sleep Apnea and Restless Leg Syndrome, but that has nothing to do with a guilty conscience or feeling like I’m a fraud,” said an anonymous Dentist at the conference we spoke to. “Keep brushing and flossing people, I am putting in a sunroom.
-Franklin Glurp, Soggy Staff
The Soggy Blanket 