Monday, the day that follows Sunday, universally despised by the working public and most everyone else, is apparently considered a “loser” by the other days of the week. In a meeting of the six other days recently, the hatred towards Monday was very apparent.
“What a little bitch Monday is,” said Tuesday. “It gets all kinds of Holidays and makes some weekends longer and yet still doesn’t have anyone that likes it. It’s a freakin’ disgrace.”
One of the consistent complaints amongst the other days is that Monday is a “Holiday Hog” and despite the fact that so many humans use that day as a recovery period for overeating, binge drinking, and poor choices sexually, those same people continue to trash the day and complain about it.
“Hey I know I am the Rock Star of the Group,” said Saturday. “But Monday is just so pathetic, seriously. I mean, people should LOVE it with all the bonus free time it makes available and also that it can be a fresh start to the week for many but everyone still hates it. It’s impossible not to pile on and just trash it. Just the other day, Thursday and I, ON Thursday coincidentally, locked Monday in the Leap Year closet with February 29th and it pissed itself! I have to admit it was really funny cause Feb 29th is like this total freak that babbles and drools, probably because it’s in seclusion most of the time. When we let Monday out of there it was sorta crying a little bit and we felt sorta bad, but still gave it an Atomic wedgie and hung it from the door.”
Noted Psychologist Martin Van Yubble, explains that Monday is a day that receives lots of unfair disdain because humans are faced with the reality that their lives suck, have no meaning and that they will never be wealthy or have sex with someone even remotely attractive. “It’s our own faults, really. We spend too much money, we drink wine coolers and Budweiser beers and watch reality television. We eat fatty foods, we have sexual relations with people we meet at Truck Stops and we let our mothers berate us for years of masturbating on their good linens. Monday is the unfortunate punching bag for the absolute shit-storm that is our life.”
Wednesday claims that Monday has the power to change things, but chooses not to. “I am ‘Hump Day’ for F***’s sake! That’s a title I came up with totally on my own. Yes, it was because I was dry humping Monday while I jammed my wet fingers in its ears but so what, it still made me think of a cool nickname,” Wednesday said. “Monday could take charge and help change the mindset of all of us that hate it. Call itself ‘Funday” or maybe ask the Universe for an extra hour on its day or to start a little later than the other days of the week. Could you imagine the ass that Monday could get if it announced it wasn’t going to start until Noon every day going forward?? Wow.”
We asked Monday what its thoughts were on all this, but it refused to sit down with us to talk. Its representative did email us a statement saying: “Monday is far too busy planning for the Apocalypse to respond to such negative accusations. Plus it’s currently being sat on by Friday while Sunday shaves its pubes.”
Other experts we questioned for this story suggested it was preposterous to call a day of the week a “loser” or demean it in any way just because of its proximity to the start of a workweek or end of a weekend. “Unless it’s Monday,” many of them said. “That day sucks ass.”
-Barney Pibble, Soggy Staff
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