Willifred, Missouri – Former Panera Bread employee and now Zombie, Dave Zacker, has been ostracized from the growing Zombie community for his health-conscious and people-friendly choice of going Vegan. He announced this via his Twitter feed, with a post that read “Will get flamed for this but thinking of eating only Fruits -n- Veg #NoBrains“. We caught up with Zacker living in a junkyard outside of town and he explained his choice.
“I didn’t choose to be a Zombie, but I’m choosing to be a Vegan,” Zacker told us. “When I first realized I was undead, yeah sure I was like all the rest, craving human flesh, especially the brains and heart, but how long can I expect to not be alive and eat that way? Not to mention that chewing through flesh and bones is murder on the teeth and jaws, and messy as fuck. Don’t even get me started on tearing the brain stem from the spine…”
Zacker was chained and padlocked to a 77 Chevy Impala as he went on about his controversial and unlikely choice. “Dude, just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I’m a dummy, I understand what am and what I am supposed to do. Why do you think I have myself secured to this car? I fight the instinct to gnaw on your face, every moment we sit here, but it’s just not right, and can’t be healthy. Some farmer a few weeks ago was beating me over the head with a branch from a tree in his Apple orchard and after I gutted him, and felt really bad about it, I shuffled over to one of the trees and had my first apple in almost a year. It had no taste whatsoever, but I know it’s better for me.”
Other zombies we spoke to, locked behind barbed wire fences and waiting to be incinerated by the town, were angry when the subject was brought up.
“Haahhhrrrrrmmmrraammm!!” said Lou Garrison, a former teacher and now Undead missing an eye and clawing through the fence as I asked about Zacker.
“Grrrrraaaoooaar, raaaahhrrr!” was what Linda Ferrino told me when I asked her if she thought going Vegan was possible for a Zombie. Similar responses came from all those we attempted to interview, and in one instance an assistant cameraman was disemboweled while trying to take a selfie with “Zombie Joe” as part of this story, but it’s unknown if that was due to the nature of the undead or its anger at the cameraman for asking him if he would like to try a Beet salad.
“Hey, all that grunting and groaning shit is bunk, by the way, “Zacker said. “We can talk just fine. It’s just that we sort of learn early on into Zombiedom that the scary growls are far more intimidating than actual dialogue. Plus, if we had to start conversing with humans that we later ate for dinner it would be very, very hard, from a psychological perspective.”
Zacker went on to say that he feels Zombies could live probably only a “few weeks at most” on a Vegan diet but that at this point he doesn’t really care because the Zombie life isn’t that exciting to him and he’s ready to meet his maker.
“I have a Jesus fish on my Jetta, I think my Grandma Lynne put it there. Yeah, maybe there’s God or someone that can make sense of all this crap when I finally die, or un-die or whatever, so I think I’m ready. In the meantime, I’m just going to try and stick with the Vegan thing though because it just makes me feel better, ya know?” Zacker said.
A few days after this interview Zacker’s Twitter page revealed a lone tweet saying only “Braaaaaaiiiinnns!!!!” so it’s not known if that was in jest or if he fell off the wagon, but our crack staff will continue to follow this story closely. At press time, the Zombie population in the area is at 11% so remember to lock all doors and windows and use caution in Wal Mart and Cracker Barrel locations.
-Darryl Mumprf, Soggy Staffer
The Soggy Blanket 