I heard the chime on my phone from the other room. I launched from my recliner, toppling the bag of Funyuns, sending them all over my weighted blanket. I didn’t even pause Bob’s Burgers.
798523 is your one-time verification code from Consolidated Credit Union. We will not call and ask for this, and DO NOT SHARE. If you did not initiate this, please call us right away.
Fuck.
I’d just logged in to check if my holiday bonus had hit my account a few minutes earlier, and should have known this was coming, but I thought it might be Terry. Or Joe. My coworkers had mentioned getting drinks. I’d given the woman from the gym my number, right? And where the hell has my sister been?
Yesterday it was my mortgage company after I logged in to see if my payment had cleared. Funny, the number was close to this one. Does someone make these up or is it just a random computer thing? Anyway, I was hoping I’d get a text from my neighbor about that book club, so it really annoyed me.
Scrolling down, eight of the last ten texts have been from banks and credit card companies. 798523. 758235. (See, I told you!) 236709. 558367. 422223. (Wow, lots of twos, right??) 983621. 744900. 393951. One from the library reminding me that Who Moved My Cheese book is overdue. One about a car warranty. There’s mom, a few below that. Shit, I forgot to pay the electric bill apparently.
I actually have a lot going on lately, and it’s the holidays, so people don’t text as much. Except me. I send a ton of texts around Christmas. Always have, just can’t help myself. Usually group texts, because who doesn’t want to see pics of a Maine Coon cat wearing antlers? So many of those Bitmojis are Christmas-themed this time of year, too, so I always say hello to a bunch of friends with an animated version of me dressed as naughty Santa Claus. They must not have Bitmoji because I haven’t ever seen a reply of how they look as the same character, which is super fun, so they should get the app. Will be hard to top my Jib Jab text where I’m doing the Electric Slide as Rudolph though.
Crap, I never checked my email to see if the Condo board liked my idea about the Pet Parade. Gmail, there’s another one that loves sending codes. I can’t remember my old password when I get locked out, does anyone? They usually email the code though, but I bet I could get it set up in preferences for text alerts. I also need to check my Amazon card balance, and that’s definitely going to be another six-digit code. I wonder if there’s a way I can just group text all my banks and credit cards and tell them that I am the only one who ever uses my phone, and it could never be fraud happening. That would probably result in seventeen text messages with new codes to make sure it was really me they were speaking to. Does my phone storage even have enough space for all these texts? Maybe I should text apple and see what my storage limit is.551097 is your one-time passcode from Apple. Use this link to enter the secure chat and enter this number. We will not ask you for it.
-Captain Soggy
The Soggy Blanket 