Topeka, KS – Jumping Spider, “Tippy,” as he’s known to his friends, has seven functional legs, but will still bury his fangs in your armpit, earlobe, or neck, according to him.
“Despite his mobility limitations, ol’ Tippy gets around really well,” says local grasshopper Milton. “I once saw him blast off a leaf like he was shot out of a canon and land on a moth quicker than I could blink. It’s almost like he has an extra leg vs. having a bum one!”
There’s been a rise in popularity with jumping spiders ever since a YouTube video was posted where a man “high fives” one of the creatures. Tippy warns that one shouldn’t be fooled by cutesy videos like that. “Listen, can I do that? A high five? Sure. It’s my back leg that’s on the fritz, but even if I choose to, does it mean we are pals? Equals? No way. At some point, the games are over and I’m nailing you with some venom. It’s just what I do.”
Ever since funding was cut for the arachnid artificial leg program, Tippy has had to accept that seven legs are what he’s stuck with and make the best of it. He’s even found a way to turn his limitation into a part-time career. “Oh sure, it was a real bummer when that sap jammed me up and I had to ask my pal Manny the Mantis to gnaw off limb #4, but I’ve gotten past it now. I’ve worked on strengthening the seven legs I have left, and now I’m taking bets as to how far I can jump. Haven’t lost one yet.”
Tippy shared a photo album of his most recent jumps, highlighting his record-setting launches over huge distances and heights. In one instance, as the crowd gasped, he shot over a downed tree the long way before landing on a hornet, murdering it and drinking all its insides. “I’m not going to let this setback hold me down. I’m in it to win it, and I have many good years of jumping, biting, and torture ahead of me,” Tippy says with what looked like a grin. Moments after our discussion, Tippy bit my face and it swelled up like a pufferfish before I passed out.
“It’d be just as bad if I had six legs,” the cocky arachnid said as I was being carted away in a stretcher.
The Soggy Blanket 