I have seventy-four masks at my house. Most of these were given to me by relatives and co-workers, although some were late-night impulse purchases while drinking homemade moonshine. I’ll admit, in the beginning, because of the 5G towers near my house and the introduction of liberal nanobots implanted in my brain, I became somewhat mask obsessed. Now, however, like so many of us, I have too many since the *ahem* pandemic has been declared over by the guy with the Pillows.
Numerous news outlets have published stories of late suggesting what those of us who have been “vaccinated” (it’s not really a vaccine. Do your research!) do with our supply of masks (I am keeping three or four in case the ‘Deep State’ manufactures an Ebola cocktail to mix into their chemtrails), but they’re asinine. “Stitch multiple masks together and craft a lovely blanket for your Pekingese or Daschund. They’ll appreciate it on chilly nights,” says Doug Blopper from the San Antonio Bugle. Yeah, thanks Doug, but my Bichon already has a nine hundred thread count afghan I bought on Etsy. Not to mention I have several hand-stitched hemp fiber masks for him, in case the “scientists” decide that Corona is something dogs can catch (again). “Use leftover cotton masks as cleaning rags for bathrooms, car repairs, and first aid,” Lenny Brump tells me, from Maxnews Wire. I still have eighty canisters of bleach wipes I bought at various Job Lots (and several I won on internet auctions) so I think I’m all set with cleaning rags, Len.
Let’s get to the real truth here: Big Mask wants to keep us addicted. They are behind this campaign to repurpose masks because they’ve had the most profitable year they’ve ever experienced since the Denver Baked Bean festival. They’ve leaked stories about how most masks “really should be single-use and not reused on the face,” as well as planting stories on mask shortages popping up all over the world. Lies. All of it. The convenience store near my house where I buy my vape supplies has fourteen different masks with “I got the Fauci Ouchie!” printed on them alone. Fourteen! A variety of lovely colors and patterns. Some are extraordinary, actually. Hand sewn by a woman down the road with only one eye. Several cats, a variety of cactus on her porch. Anyway, why on earth does someone even need a mask if they got the “Fauci Ouchie” is my question? Aren’t we supposed to “trust the science” on this, or is this another example of the globe earth fallacy? As long as we pretend Antarctica exists and the moon isn’t really a skylight to track communists set up by the CIA, sure, the earth can be a sphere. That same “science” also once told me that if I licked 9 Volt batteries that I’d feel a shock, but here we are thirty years and at least fifty batteries later and I’m just fine, except for not seeing yellow anymore and the magnetism in my teeth.
So, what do we do with all these masks then? Well, I’ve got many ideas, beginning with espionage and self-protection, and ending with patriotism. Plan # 1: Make sure you own several cats. Cats are naturally curious and love to hunt. They always land on their feet, they say, but I believe in being cautious with my domesticated animals, so the masks can help here. Send them over to neighbor’s homes with small video cameras attached to their collars and fold a cotton mask into a tiny pack so it can be utilized as a parachute if they jump off the neighbor’s roof in a hurry because they are startled, being barked at by dogs, or the neighbor has a Biden flag. The mask *should* fill with air and safely guide your feline back to flat earth like a feather in a soft breeze, negating the need for them to use their landing superpowers, which, over time, can cause arthritis I’d imagine. Plan # 2: Cover vulnerable corners of your home with masks, stretched to their near breaking point across metal or wood fittings you’ve installed, and create slingshots you’ll fill with sand, eggs, marbles, or old teeth, and use as a defense if someone from the IRS, the Census or one of those Antifa’s comes knocking. These work my friends; you can take that to the bank. Finally, Plan #3: Stich several masks together and make your own flag, declaring your homestead a sovereign nation from the Lamestream Media, Big Tech, and the nefarious influences of George Soros and AOC. You won’t be recognized, officially, by the US Government, but the flag will look glorious flying on your home and will make sure your neighbors know right where you stand. In the event of a full national meltdown, or a second Biden term, the flag can also be folded into a carry sack to take your fight to the streets, and an average mask sack can accommodate a canteen, five pounds of deer jerky, a hunting knife, a large flashlight, and Vaseline. Don’t let the government take away the masks they forced you to wear. Turn them into useful tools for your journey into the new world. You’ll be glad you did, and others will notice your ingenuity and want to join your faction. If they don’t have a serpent tongue, glowing eyes, or wear sandals, it’s up to you if you want to trust them and bring them on board. Be vigilant, be strong, and may God Bless real Americans.
The Soggy Blanket 